My thoughts

My mind is in the midst of confusion,

Lost somewhere in the back of my head.

It has no owner, no home.

My mind is like a chest with no key,

A dog with no home,

A child with no mother.

My thoughts are stuck and cannot be released.

No one knows my muddled thoughts,

Just the body that holds them.

***

This is a poem that i wrote when i was 12. I loved literature when i was a child, and i still do. I had aspirations of becoming an author or poet, but i think although my life has progressed, i don't think my ability has so much. I struggle with writing a lot more than i used to, it doesn't come so easily. I think its most probably to do with my all consuming God consciousness, i fear that i will do myself (and him) a great disservice if i say the wrong things.

The poem is very poignant to me. The words hold true for so much of how i thought until i was about 21. I was very confused, but thought i knew it all. At the time, i knew there was a lot of sadness suffocating me, but thought it was a result of everyone else's failings rather than my own. I was very idealistic in my younger years, and i still am. Its a huge detriment to my very being, but i cant let go of it. If only idealistic dreams could come true. In fact they could... in an ideal world.

This poem no longer represents me. I no longer feel confused, or sad, muddled or stuck. I don't know it all, but i feel a little (in fact a lot) closer to knowing the truths in life. I would re-write this poem now (13 years later) as such....

***

My mind is settled and orderly,

Once it was lost, but now its found.

It is owned by me, and kept in it place, protected by my hijab.

My mind is like a chest whose key has been found,

A dog (once lost) who has again found its owner,

Like a child who has now grown and become a mother.

My thoughts are more fluid, i release some but hold on to others.

I try to portray some of my thoughts,

through my body and actions; my faith.

My November garden.

My mum told me that was garden was amazing the other day.

"What?!" was my surprised reply, for my garden is small, and patchy, and in need of a good sweep and tidy up if truth be told.

"Its still got flowers and buds" she exclaimed, and its true, it does.

November, a month that some think of as being bleak. And a month where storms have been raging all over the UK, at least 10 people have died recently across Britain due to the weather. Thousands more have been injured or left without electricity or even without their homes due to flooding.

But here in Leicester, in the middle of England, ive witnessed none of this. There has been a lot of wind, and gusts and howls shaking the house, but no more, barely any rain even. As we don't have a TV i wasn't even aware of any of the storm problems which the UK is facing, i only just found out the other day as i came across something by chance on a news website.

So with all of this going on, it seems unusual to still have splashes of flowery colour in my little back yard. The rose is still in bloom, with yet more buds appearing so i assume i am in with a bit more rosey colour over the next few weeks.

The lavender bush (one of 6 in my garden!) still has teeny tiny purple petals, unnoticeable to many, but a delight to me.

Our fuchsia has been bright and eye catching for months, it hasn't stopped flowering, i can rely on it to keep the garden tinged with pink and purple. The two in my hanging baskets only flower once a year, twice if im lucky.

In the Spring of this year i planted some wildflower seeds, most got disturbed by the bunnies but one deep crimson flower has appeared several times throughout the summer and here it is again, on this cold November morning.

I'm not sure what plant it is, does anybody know?

Yesterday i planted some Primroses, a common flower which i have never owned before, but rather sweet i thought.

Still to plant are two heathers, one pink and one white. My mum says these should spread quite nicely, ive wanted some for a long time but feared the bunnies would eat them... i wont have that problem now... the bunnies have gone to new homes - more on that in a later post.

I have a box of spring bulbs which need planting out, i must get that done soon as shoots are already popping up in some places.

So although my back yard is small, and patchy, and in need of a good sweep and tidy if truth be told, it does still have some little delights waiting to be appreciated.

And while i took these photographs this morning, Dave watched, observed, and im hoping he took it all in and felt happy. He really loves our garden, which is just what i was hoping.

Yep, its me!

Hello again! Wow, a long blogging break huh? Sorry about that! I really did think it wouldn't be so long, i think i was too optimistic about the amount of free time that would suddenly appear once Dave started his solids and became more settled. But 2 and a half months of 'proper' food later and we've made it to a comfortable little existence here.
We're in a routine! Woohoo!!! I cant tell you how much this has helped, and how blessed i feel to have found some structure. Not all mothers manage this, or even realise that they need it, and before they know it, a year has passed and life has turned upside down. Structure is invaluable; for you and for baby.
Dave is 6 and a half months old now, gaining weight nicely, and learning new things, evolving. He rolls all over the place, flipping from back to side to front within five minutes, a wriggler! He can sit unaided for a few moments (the longest has been a couple of minutes) until he rigidly topples to one side in slow motion.
His favorite foods are banana, carrot and butternut squash (though not all at the same time!) , and his favorite toy is a soft and squeaky butterfly. He hates getting dressed and bursts into tears at the sound of rustling carrier bags, coat hangers being pushed across the wardrobe, and sellotape being pulled from the reel. He has been nicknamed all sorts of things, including midge, gorgie-worgie, dude, and sony-woney (sony means beautiful in Punjabi). And he is beautiful, a real handsome little boy marsh'Allah. It took me a while to tell him, but i love him. Something was stopping me from telling him for a few months, maybe it was while i got to know him and got used to him being around. But oh i do. He's a little friend that never goes away.
So while he has his morning nap, or once he's snuggled up in bed by 7.30pm, i should manage to come and sit here, in the corner of the first room of number 106, and attend to my little blog. My little world of recording memories.

Its good to be back.

Aqeela xx

Back soon...

Aqeela is taking a short blogging break.

Back on Friday October 2nd starting with a 'Fridays fave five' post.

See you soon!

Due to the demands of motherhood i am putting my blog on hold. Only for another month or so. Dave has started eating solids now so i can get him into a routeen which will give me more time for blogging. He is already in bed an hour earlier every day and has begun to take daytime naps while i can get on with other things. For now those other things are housework, reading, and getting things done which have been lingering on my 'to do' list since before he was born! So theres very little time for blog writing at the moment. Please dont forget about me! I will be back!

I did not notice it at the time...

After reading one of Saras recent posts this photograph came straight to mind.

(Polkerris, Cornwall, August 2006)

Sara blogged about taking photos which when downloaded or printed actually reveal something which you hadnt realised was there.


Well i love this photo, the sky was incredible that afternoon, but the memory is ruined by that flabby man standing on the rocks!


And i still havent learnt how to use photoshop!

Aqeela xx

PS: Can someone please tell me how to make it so that all my photos can be clicked on and enlarged? It seems that the odd one will enlarge when clicked but the majority wont.

Thanks.

Loved ones.

My dad, step mum and half brother visited on Friday, which is why I never managed to write a post that day. I love it when they come over, I mean, really love it. They make me so happy, although im not sure I express my feelings enough to make them see that. They are the ideal little family, they’d make the perfect neighbours, and would be wonderful friends.

They live in Cornwall, I live in Leicester. Theres nearly 300 miles between us. They visit us maybe twice a year (if were lucky maybe 3 times!) and we try to go down to Cornwall once a year, although we didn’t manage last year. This year we are hoping to go in November or December. Im looking forward to seeing Cornwall in a totally different season, fewer tourists, choppier seas and deserted beaches.

(Polkerris, Cornwall, 2006)

And it will be little Daves first holiday too, hopefully he can sit on the sand and maybe even taste some icecream! (Just a little.)

Yes, I do love them so. If only they weren’t so far away….

( Par, Cornwall, 2006)

Aqeela xx

Childrens books.

Yesterday me and Dave spent some time at the library. He’s now got his own library card! I think even his dad was impressed!

We walked across to the children’s area and found 8 boxes full of books suitable for babies and young children. Children’s books are not very familiar to me; I don’t know which authors are the most successful, which stories are most popular or who does the best illustrations. So im starting from scratch.

We can take 12 books home from the library at a time; i chose 10, my choices mainly being based on the illustrations. I don’t like cartoon style books so much, or ones about monsters, witches or characters with really silly names. I really like a children’s book to have beautiful illustrations with depth, or simple drawings with a bit of uniqueness or character about them. I especially like a vintage twist or even better, a book which really is old and has been enjoyed by many generations.

I think many of you may recognise the work of Shirley Hughes?

I didn’t read her books when I was a child but I remember the 'My naughty little sister' books by Dorothy Edwards which Shirley illustrated. Well at the library I discovered Dogger, a short story about a boy (named Dave!!) who loses his favorite toy – a dog named Dogger. This was my introduction to Shirley’s work of which I am now determined to find more of. Her drawings are right up my street. I’m fascinated by the details she includes and the era she seems to have set most of her characters in. Some pages have so much going on that you see something different every time you delve into them.

Our library also has a stand for books which haven’t been issued out in a while – they put them up for sale so that they can keep some rotation in their stock. I found ‘Up and up’ by Shirley – it’s a picture book, no words, and just perfect for allowing the imagination to expand itself. I enjoyed reading it to Dave, and we can make up a new story every time! And also, it only cost 10p!!!

Do you have any favorite children’s authors or illustrators, or a favorite children’s book?

Aqeela xx

The title of this post is a link to the top 100 children's books as voted by readers of junior magazine.

Fridays fave five.

Five good things from this week...

1/ Rolling

This week baby Dave learnt that he can roll from his front onto his back. This learning stuffs amazing!

Image found here.

2/ Revisiting childhood

Nutella! On bread, on toast, on a finger, on a spoon.

Click here for Nutella recipes.

3/ Catching up with my ironing

It rained a lot a few weeks ago, we all know that don’t we? So I delayed washing clothes until the sun came back. When it did come back I washed LOADS which then gave me a huge basket of ironing. I didn’t know how I was ever going to get rid of it. But I tackled it over a couple of days, and I won. Now the ironing basket is empty!

Photo found here

(I actually borrowed this photo (found via Google images) from a blog titled “the frugal law student”, ive had a quick read and it may appeal to some of my readers. Find the blog here)

4/ New clothes!

Image found here

Today I received an order from NEXT – find the online shop here – and im half way through trying stuff on. Unfortunately so far 4 pairs of trousers fit me well but didn’t look ‘right’ – I don’t really think im a trousers kind of girl, jeans always seem to look better on me. I have a dress, some shoes, and some jeans left to try on still.

And they'll be a blog post coming up soon about the trauma of clothes shopping with a baby!

5/ Ramadhan

Ramadhan should be starting tomorrow. A chance to reflect, pray, read, learn and devote myself to God. (No fasting for me as im breast feeding). These 4 weeks or so will be a good ol’ kick up the butt for me.

However Ramadhan also means spending less time dossing. Its going to be a hard month for me, but a month I definitely need.

So that's it, my Fridays fave five.

The only Friday frustration i could find this week was that i was feeling ill since last Sunday which left me snotty, sneezy and grumpy. Now im almost better, just the occasional sniff but Alhamdulillah im feeling well. It’s the hot & spicy chicken soup that helped – every time me or the hubby have a cold coming on we nip to a restaurant just round the corner and buy the soup and every time it has cured us within 24 hours. The power of food! (Except I left it abit late this time so my cold took 48 hours to clear instead, still not bad though eh?)

And that's it! Another week down.

Aqeela xx

Breastfeeding.

Before I even got pregnant with baby Dave I knew that if I were to ever be blessed with a child then I would almost definitely breastfeed if I was able. A lot of my friends decided to bottle feed formula milk for reasons of their own but I knew that just wasn’t for me. It seemed so contradictory to nature, not to mention a waste of money, effort and time. God blessed us mothers with the ability to feed our children no matter what time of day, in any location and at just the right temperature and nutritional make-up for our individual babies. Subhan’Allah. Incredible don’t you think?

I remember when Dave was born, a squirming mass of screaming baby. We tried to get him latched on there and then – it wasn’t happening. So I climbed out of the birthing pool, wrapped myself in a sheet and got myself (relatively) comfortable on the hospital bed. We tried again, the midwife helped; I just watched while (unknown to me) I was gripping her arm so tightly! Of course id never done it before so I didn’t know how I should be holding him, or what position his head should have been in, or how to get him to place his mouth in the right place. Eventually though we managed.

Roll on a few days later, and ouch! This thing hurts! Yes it is painful – even when the baby is latched on correctly. We nick named one boob the ‘toe curler’ – for obvious reasons. One week of toe-curling and 2 scabs later we went to Mothercare for the long awaited Lansinoh. I had resisted buying it as I thought it wasn’t natural enough (I assumed it was packed with chemicals like 99% of other creams and lotions). Even when I mentioned this to my midwife she did not tell me otherwise. But I gave in anyway; I was determined to continue breastfeeding but needed help to be able to continue. And there in Mothercare, cream in hand, I discovered that Lansinoh is 100% natural! BONUS!!! Made with 100% pure lanolin (or sheep fat as we call it) it was safe for both me and my baby. I used it for 1 week and it was like a miracle had occurred, no more pain! And ive never needed to use it since.

So then came the inevitable breastfeeding in public - to be ashamed and embarrassed or not? How secretive is it supposed to be? Id never before seen anybody breastfeed in public, or as far as im aware i never had. So the first few times that Dave became agitated and whiny while i was out and about id find the nearest toilets and sit in there for 45 minutes to feed him. Very unhygienic but i thought it was my only option. Then one day i was in BHS trying on skirts (oh don't even get me started on trying to clothes shop whilst your with your baby - IMPOSSIBLE!) Dave started crying, loudly. The kind shop assistant told me that i could stay in the cubicle and feed him as they have a shop policy allowing them to give breastfeeding mothers the opportunity to do it there and then. So i went ahead and did it but rushed it a bit so that i wasn't hogging the only disabled changing room.

A few more disabled toilet stops later and i felt brave enough to sit and feed Dave whilst indulging in a mug of tea in a cafe in town. No problem! I doubt anyone even noticed. I wear a headscarf (im Muslim) so when i pull my top down / open the buttons Dave can start slurping straight away and my scarf is still covering my chest. There is no flesh on show! Hurray!! Easy peasy.

Now i pretty much do it anywhere. I'm so discreet that i don't think it matters. I told my friends that i draw the line at feeding on a bus (unless on a really long journey) but about 20 minutes after saying that i had to feed him on a bus! One woman kept turning to see if i really was breast feeding in public *shock horror* but that was it, nobody else cared, i think they were just more pleased that they didn't have to share their bus journey with a crying baby.

Now one thing i don't like is blatantly breastfeeding in public, as in one boob out for all to see whilst still getting baby out of the pushchair. I know breastfeeding is 100% natural "So why shouldn't i get it out and feed my baby" but so is sex, or genitalia, and we don't publicise that do we? Ive heard stories of women completely stripping their top half, like removing everything, at a family gathering (including men), and just the other day my friend said she saw 1 breast hanging out in the middle of Asda. Not a good look. So yep, discreet is where its at for me.

So what can i say to anybody out there who wants to breastfeed? Honestly, just go for it, if its hurting, grab the Lansinoh. If its still hurting, speak to your midwife / health visitor / doctor, or search online for information on how to do it right. There are even breast feeding specialists who will come to your home (free of charge, 24 hours a day) to help out. And it really is incredible. Dave just stares at me, oh that look, its absolutely breath taking. It helped me fall head over heels in love with him. Its comforting for him to snuggle up close and drink warm milk, and its comforting for me to know that i am caring for and nurturing my child to become strong and healthy. And now that Dave is a little older (15 weeks old now) he will touch my chest and face, trace invisible lines over my skin, hold onto my top or scarf, and sometimes look up and smile, or 'talk' to me, while still suckling. It reminds me of the beauty of motherhood every time.

Whats your opinion on public breastfeeding? Yey or nay?

Aqeela xx

All pictures in this post were found via Google images here, here, here, here and here. (in order of appearance)

Friday fave five

Inspired by Willow here is my Friday fave five:


1/ Dave! (of course!)

Constantly wowing me with his progression from newborn to baby. Reaching out for and holding his toys, making new sounds and facial expressions every day, and changing from a daddy lookalike to a mummy lookalike.

2/ Friendships

Today me and a friend met up in the city for a spot of shopping. I think that every week for over a month now i have spent a fun day with friends - shopping, picnic in the park, picnic on the farm, or tea party at home. Its been really good to see more of them, and has reminded me how great they are.

3/ Roses

This beautiful peachy pink rose has looked this fresh for about a week now - my lilac roses start browning after about 48 hours of reaching full bloom. Every time i step into the garden to tend to the bunnies i have to stop and smell the roses - literally. Man they're strong!

4/ Baking

I keep baking variations of this cake - hubby has professed his boredom with it but i cant get enough! Currently getting through banana, blueberry & raspberry flavor.

5/ Planning our Cornish getaway.

Im mentally ticking off days until we reach November or December and manage a week away in Cornwall. Its my favorite place ever and im looking forward to seeing my family again. It will be a nice change to go there in winter with hardly a tourist about, we like our privacy we do.

And just for fun....

Five Friday Frustrations:

1/ Crocs.

Hate them. That's it. I just hate the things. (Unless you wear them for gardening ONLY - and even that's still abit dodgy)

2/ 80's fashion

So many people will be looking back in a few years time wondering 'What was i thinking?' - 80's fashion belongs in the 80's or in the rubbish bin. Everyone looks so tacky right now! When will classy come back in fashion?

3/ Sugar

I ate too much of it yesterday and had a constant headache. Its just that when you are busy with a baby the easiest thing to eat seems to be something from the chocolate tin! Ive learnt my lesson - or have i? (I did bake another cake!)

4/ Sick stains

They are mounting up. Even a 60 degree wash cant conquer some of them. Maybe i need to compromise and do a few loads of washing with real washing powder. I really am hesitating on this one. We've been chemical free for too long for me to have to think about compromising.

5/ Rude people.

A cashier should not be chatting away on the phone while people are waiting to be served. People shouldn't que jump. People should say thank you when you let them pass. People should let me pass. Manners people! They mean so much!